Not much time to comparison shop; but ended up buying the Volkswagen. It’s reasonably competent offroad, and by far the most comfortable of everything I tested.
Underneath it’s basically a Golf/Jetta, same engine/transmission/interior/etc, but raised up (you can see how much higher it is than its dead stablemate). The colour is a dark grey, pretty much identical to my old BMW.
And look! A functional rear bumper! Plus, it fits into the garage nicely.